Hey Brooke!I really liked your introduction and your overall Harry Potter Theme. Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood, so you are helping bring back great memories of that. With that being said I cannot wait to read your stories. Your introduction has already got me enchanted with all the different possibilities that could possibly come from your mind. I think these kinds of stories will resonate with people in this class a lot better. Not only that but I think that since Harry Potter is so big that it will capture everyone’s attention and they will be enthralled with the stories. I also liked how you let us know what kind of stories we could expect but I do kind of wish we got to know what we were going to be reading next. I only say that because I am really looking forward to your finished story book. I will definitely be back to check it out after you have posted some stories.
Hi Brooke,I enjoyed the dark and gloomy theme to your shop! I bet it will produce really cool and interesting stories to read later. I am gonna have to bookmark this so I can come back later to read. I enjoy the parallels to the Harry Potter stories here. The different artifacts are gonna have their own stories behind them I bet! Instead of being cheerful, I think these stories are gonna stick to people easier as the tone of them will resonate within the reader. These kinds of stories always suck me in, and I have to finish them to see what happens. I cannot wait for you to publish some more stories so I can know what happens at the shop! I wonder what kinds of adventures each artifact can take us on. Just like how the celestial items in the Ramayana have a story of their own! Great work!
Hey Brooke!First let me say wow! I am usually very terrified of anything scary or remotely frightening, it took me years to even watch Harry Potter because I saw one scene with the snake and I was scarred for a long time, but I really loved the imagery you used in your introduction! You have already made me really excited to read your story and your creativity is outstanding! I definitely want to keep up with your storybook, I’m excited to read about the different stories involving the shop.I honestly have no critiques for your introduction! I thought you wrote it amazingly and also there was so much imagery I really felt like I was actually entering the world you created. If anything, I think it could be helpful if you explained the shop owner’s past more. The entire time I was reading your introduction, I was really curious about them and how they came to own the shop. Also, why did they decide to open that shop? How are they not affected by all the magic? I think that would be a good next point to write about.
Hello Brooke, I just read the intro to your Storyboard.I love the world of Harry Potter. I'm looking forward to the stories you add. You did a really good job describing the store and it's atmosphere, especially with the couch and painting. The images also show the dark creepy atmosphere and fit well with the story. I think you picked a great image for the banner, but it might make more of an impact if you set it to a cover banner on your home page. The size you have on your intro is good because there's more on that page than the picture and image info, but you could think about changing the home banner size. Also, the intro mentions dark wizards who came and left while giving threats which makes me wonder what are the witches/wizards like who bought the artifacts? Have you thought about briefly mentioning their interaction with Borgin and Burke as a hint or a hook for the next stories?The sentence at the end of paragraph 3 felt a bit awkward to me. I feel like "nothing is" would be more fluid than "everything is not." Also all parts of the name of the artifacts should be capitalized such as the "Astra" in "Brahmashirsha astra." I feel like "gem" in "Ashwatthama's gem" should be capitalized too or maybe switch around the words to something like "Gem of Ashwatthama," whatever you think will fit your story better.
Hi Brooke,I love the dark eerie design of your website. I don’t know if it would be too much, but I have seen some websites with a black background and white text. Maybe that could add to your spooky vibe. Also, I like your writing style in general, I think it fits well with your topic being a bit mysterious.I personally don’t know anything about Harry Potter, but I didn’t feel too lost or confused reading your introduction so that is good. As you continue to write your stories, remember me, the person who knows nothing about Harry Potter, as you write your author's notes.I don’t know if it was in your introduction and I missed it or if it really matters, but I was kind of wondering in general how they got ahold of those Indian relics in the first place. Maybe that will be one of your stories. I don’t know.
Hey Brooke!You seem pretty well along with your storybook, and it was a really interesting read! I have only done my introduction, so it was really nice to see a storybook in the process of being completed and what that first story will look like throughout the editing process. I also have to mention I am a huge harry potter fan, so it was easily readable to me and I didn't get bored once. I love how you wrapped the old stories of Tom Riddle into an Indian Epic tale. The added black background throughout the storybook adds to the effect of the tale, the eerie vibe, which I love. It was also cool to see the first story have a lot of dialogue, but I think adding more descriptions could really help paint the picture to the reader! I am going to really look out for this storybook because so far I love it!!
Hi Brooke!! Yours is probably the most well thought out, written, and formatted storybook I have seen so far. The photos fit together perfectly with the subject and mood of the story. One thing I would say is maybe use a different photo for the banners on each pages for visual interest? Your photos at the end of the Introduction and Ashwatthama's Gem story would be great as banners too, just to mix it up. Your passion for Harry Potter shines through each one of the stories, as you add to the world with relics from Indian myths. The introduction post sets the scene well, and I liked how you included Tom Riddle and gave depth to each of the characters, including aspects of both Harry Potter and Indian myths. I also liked how you used Ashwatthama's Gem, since I haven't seen any stories about it so far and it seems to be lesser known.
Hello Brooke, I'm back to read your second story. I love the way that you combined the two stories. It fits so we'll too. I especially enjoyed seeing a bit of Time Riddle's past that is canon in the Harry Potter world and putting a new twist to it while staying true to the character. You did a very good job of showing Tom's personality here. I also think the idea that Grindelwald is Ashwatthama is extremely intriguing.While reading I noticed that you have some parts of a paragraph bolded and I have to say that threw me off. Usually I'd expect that to be an emphasis on a word or thought or something but the bolded parts don't seem to be that. I'm guessing that was parts from the original story but I think it would read more smoothly if it wasn't bold. You could then use the author's note to mention what is directly from the story.I do wonder, did you know you can add a footer that will show up in all your pages? You could put the link to your comment wall there for easy access. Just a thought.Anyway I really am enjoying your storybook and I'll be back next week to read more.
Hi, thanks for your thoughts! I am actually in the middle of editing that story so that's why there was weird bolding and formatting. Sorry about that!
Hey Brooke!First off, I enjoyed your header picture, it's obviously related to the story and gives off a mysterious vibe. I also liked your inclusion of Harry Potter characters and themes into your story. I've seen a lot of people include more modern stories into their writing, and it certainly helps make the stories more relatable. I especially liked your reasoning for using Voldemort as a character, given the similarities between him and Ashwatthama. It shows that you put a decent amount of thought into this, and it shows in your writing. I liked all of the dialogue included in the story, as it really helped the story move along. I know one of the story revision challenges available to us involves adjusting the dialogue to make it more active instead of passive, and this is something I would recommend you use for this story. I've used it in the past for mine and it makes a world of difference. Keep up the good work!
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I love so many things about your storybook so far! It looks amazing, the first banner image you have looks so great. It's a nice looking color scheme and I also love the title of your site. One thing I would suggest for design would be to change your banner image for each story. I think the intro and title page being the same is fine, but it might be nice to set the stories apart with different images. Also, in the intro there's a strange phrase. It says: "typically left giving threats of death". It sounded a bit odd in my head,but maybe I'm reading it weird.I loved your introduction and your first story. In the intro, you create a marvelous background! The examples of the objects and the atmosphere of darkness and mystique really stood out to me. I wonder if Tom will continue to be featured in your stories? I like the idea of him messing around in the shop, trying to find objects that will make him more powerful. I personally hope he shows up more!
When I first came across your site, I Immediately looked at the banner picture and thought, “This store looks like something out of Harry Potter!” It’s been years since I’ve read the books or seen the movies, so I don’t know how I came across the correct assumption. Your website has a very wholesome feel to it, and you did a great job of setting a dark, but welcoming tone about it. I love how you gave a breakdown in your introduction about the store, while including some information about some of the collection inside! Moving to your story, you have a great ability for writing dialogue, and I felt like a giddy boy opening up a new Harry Potter book for the first time. Your writing grabbed my attention, and you made the story and connection between two different universes sound believable. I hope to read more of what you have to write. Great job!
Hey Brooke!I really enjoyed your intro and I loved that you used a Harry Potter Theme. There is a ton of nostalgia fro reading your intro so I will be coming back every week! You chose such a great theme that the possibilities of what you can do are now endless and readers can relate and will want to come back each week as well. I'm glad you chose a story book so that the plot and story si a continuation instead of disjointed points. Your story/ website is also very aesthetically pleasing, so great job with that. The intro gave such great background info that even people who haven't read/seen Harry Potter will be mesmerized by your retelling and how you've woven it in. By the way using Tom was genius can't wait to see how his story unfolds. Great job and keep up the good work!
Hi Brooke,I really like the premise of you project. I think the idea to explore the stories behind artifacts and objects is so smart and a very creative way to further explore some of these indian epics. I think your introduction does a great job letting readers know what they are about to learn more about. I also really like the themes and colors you used to make the setting seem sort of ominous and mysterious. I have never been a huge Harry Potter fan, but even I can admit that the setting of your project has pulled my interest in and makes me want to keep reading. I love the story and all the dialogue you used. Dialogue is my favorite thing to include in a story. Your story writing is very unique and I like how all the stories are going to connect with the characters. I can't wait to read more stories and find out the stories behind each artifact.
Hey Brooke!Cool idea for your project! The Harry Potter theme is sure to be a huge hit. Not too mention, your writing is always super clear and concise. In the Ashwatthama's Gem story, you even did a great job of having Tom Riddle lose concentration as he became more invested in the gem. That really did come across in the story as you intended; it felt Tom was drawn to the gem too! I did also like how Tom distracted Mr. Burke by asking questions, but you might want to consider making that even more obvious by explicitly stating "Mr Burke hardly noticed the random question that distracted him from his previous line of thought." This way, it draws extra attention to how charming Tom Riddle is, and how he can manipulate Mr Burke in subtle ways. Something like that might be fun to add but overall great job! Keep it up
Hello Brooke,Right away, "Borgin and Burkes" caught my eye, and I knew I had to read what you've written so far. I wasn't disappointed, either; your introduction set the stage perfectly and described the famous Diagon Alley shop in all its spooky, mysterious glory. I love how in your story, Tom Riddle asks for a job where all of these ancient Indian artifacts were housed. You did a great job of keeping each individual storyline's integrity intact while still blending the two seamlessly. It really felt like a scene from one of Rowling's books. RIddle would definitely come hunting after some of the crazy magical items we've been reading about in the Indian epics. Also, I liked how you showed Riddle's true feelings through his facial expressions while showing his ability to manipulate the shopkeeper. Overall great job and keep up the good work.